Growing in Self Denial

By Gregory John Wilson

October 5, 2026

Jesus said:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23 (ESV)

We often picture self-denial as fasting or giving things up, but most of it happens in relationships. It shows up when someone hurts us and everything in us wants to defend, explain, or win.

1. Listen First

Self-denial starts with setting aside the need to be heard first (James 1:19).
Listening isn't waiting for your turn to talk. It's trying to understand what the other person is actually feeling.
Often people need to feel heard more than they need to be right.
Ask questions before you give answers.

2. Ask Forgiveness First

Don't wait for the other person to make the first move. Go first (Matthew 5:23–24).
Own your part fully, with no “but.”
“I'm sorry I was harsh” heals. “I'm sorry I was harsh, but you…” undoes the apology.
Deal with the plank in your own eye first (Matthew 7:3–5).

3. Address Their Fault Only When Necessary, and in Kindness

Not every offense needs to be named. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).
Ask yourself: is bringing this up for their good, for the relationship, or just to even the score?
When it does need to be said, speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). A gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1).
Timing matters. Sometimes the right word comes later, once things have calmed down.

4. Stay Connected to God's Love During the Hard Conversation

You can't give what you aren't receiving. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).
Anger often rises when we feel empty, unseen, or threatened. Remembering that you're already fully loved takes away the need to fight for it.
Pray silently in the middle of the conversation: “Lord, fill me so I can keep giving.”
Abiding in Him is what produces fresh grace instead of a short fuse (John 15:5).

5. Be Patient and Give It Time

Reconciliation is usually a process, not a moment.
Trust and warmth come back gradually, so don't demand an instant makeup.
Give the other person room to process at their own pace. Love is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Do your part and leave the rest to God (Romans 12:18).

6. Let Go of Needing to Win

The goal is restoration, not victory.
Sometimes self-denial means letting the other person have the last word.

Closing thought: Every hard conversation is a chance to look a little more like Jesus, who didn't defend Himself but entrusted Himself to the Father (1 Peter 2:23).

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